Aries March 21-April 19
Well Aries, it's your favorite time of year, receiving gifts. Most of us know it is better to give than to receive. But in your case, unless it's giving head, you want it all.

Taurus April 20 - May 21
One of your favorite past times is shopping. However, you must find it in your heart and budget to buy for others at this time. It is the thought that counts, so don't leave the price tags on your gifts again this year. It's tacky.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
Now that you have had time to relax, you need to gear up for the holidays. Tinsel, garland and little shiny objects fascinate you so. The only thing that it does is makes you eligible for Wheel Of Fortune.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
Don you now your gay apparel! Yes, this is just the excuse you've been looking for to let loose. You've had a problem with that in the past. Maybe that's what you can ask Santa for Christmas, a 10,000-mile retread!

Leo July 23 - August 22
Tit clamps and butt plugs and little brown bottles, these are a few of your favorite things. It will be such a surprise to see what "That Jolly Old Elf" will leave you under the tree. But the big question is does Santa shop at the Pleasure Chest?

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Oh the stress you endure, planning for the social soirée of the season. Paper or china, who'll bring the lube and are the dildos top shelf safe in the dishwasher? So many un-answered questions! How do you hold up?

Libra September 23 - October 22
As you prepare for your long winter hibernation one thing comes to mind. If I hibernate all winter, how will I get laid? Well, that's that. Hibernation is out of the question.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The Christmas season is just the ticket to consume more booze. It's not like you have a problem, it goes down smooth and comes back in a rage. It's so pretty to decorate the toilet with holly and tinsel to make the season bright.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your birthday is a constant celebration. Just add water and the whole world is a party. If you play your cards right you won't have to sober up until February. Try to find the time to buy some gifts for the ones you love, and if you have to drink and drive, drive somebody else's car.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You have quite the social schedule. And that's just getting laid. Try not to let the holiday get in the way of your sex-capades. Unlike your self, Christmas comes once a year.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Slut in a silver bow!

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You have finally recovered from Thanksgiving and now the visions of sugar plums dancing on boxes in your head and the pounding of the disco beat makes you want to take another hit of X . I just love the Holidays!

Until next time, Happy Ho, Ho, Holidays......Ms. Mae