Dear Jon:

About six months ago, I met a guy that I fell for right away. He was charming and engaging and seemed to be grounded. We began dating and quickly found ourselves in a serious relationship. He then became very jealous and would get mad when I would talk to people. He started calling me at work all the time, "just to say hello". Now, if I am busy at work, or go out with my friends, he gets really angry and won't speak to me for a day or two. Last weekend I came home from work and he went into a rage because he didn't believe I was really at work! And then last nite, when I got home from work, he refused to believe that I was at work, and punched me in the ribs! What can I do?

--"Phillip"

Dear Phil: Domestic Violence is a simple phrase, but it encompasses a horrifying list of abusive behaviors, both physical and psychological. Broken bones and black eyes are the generally held impressions of abuse, but abuse can be much less obvious and much more insidious. Abuse is any attempt to control, manipulate, or demean another using physical, emotional, or sexual tactics. It is all about power and control! Although abusers come from all socio-economic classes, abusers do have some characteristics in common, including a learned belief that the use of violence is somehow acceptable. Also, an abuser will not accept responsibility for his actions and develops a number of defense mechanisms to explain his behavior. Abusers not only deny responsibility for their actions, but they also often deny that any type of abusive behavior has taken place at all. Studies have shown that there are certain behaviors that can indicate a strong potential for abuse in a relationship. These include: JELOUSY An abuser will say that his jealousy is a sign of love. In reality, jealousy has nothing to do with love. It is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR Anger if the victim is 'late' and questions about where the victim went and with whom is not concern, but control. QUICK INVOLVEMENT An abuser will often come on quickly, claiming 'love at first sight,' and will tell his victim flattering things such as "you're the only on for me." ISOLATION The abuser will attempt to diminish and destroy the victim's support system by isolating the victim from friends and family, and often, work. HYPERSENSITIVITY The abuser is easily insulted. He claims his feelings are hurt when he is actually angry. He will rage about small injustices that happen to him; things that are just part of life, such as getting a traffic ticket or missing a flight. PLAYFUL USE OF FORCE IN SEX He may want to act out sexual fantasies in which the victim is helpless or leave marks during rough sex. He will show little concern about whether the victim wants to have sex and use sulking or anger to manipulate the victim into compliance. VERBAL ABUSE In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, verbal abuse includes degrading the victim, cursing him, or discounting his accomplishments. RIGID SEX ROLES The abuser will expect his victim to serve and obey him. He will view his victim as inferior and believe that they are not a whole person without a relationship. JECKYL & HYDE PERSONALITY Many victims are confused by their batter's mood changes. One minute he's nice; the next he explodes or withdraws. BREAKING OR HITTING OBJECTS The abuser may break things or throw objects. This behavior is used as a punishment, but its primary function is to terrorize the victim into submission. ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT The abuser may use force during arguments, including physically restraining the victim from leaving the room or pushing and shoving. For example, he may hold the victim against a wall and say, "you're going to listen to me." Without effective early intervention, abuse in relationships will escalate in severity and frequency, and sometimes lead to death. You must act now to protect yourself. Go down to the courthouse at 13th and Michigan and get an Order of Protection. File a criminal charge of Domestic Battery. And lose this guy. Abuse will not just go away. It will get worse.