Dear Daisy,
There are two questions that have plagued my mind since the beginning of my life...

1. Why do your parents always wake up in the part of the TV movie or show when a couple starts getting into it?

2. Why do extremely large people (tall, wide) feel the need to buy small cars they can barely fit in to?

Inquiring minds want to know!

Dear Inquiring Mind,
1. I believe the trauma of having children, or to be more exact, caring for young children either drive parents to the brink of insanity or forces them to develop powers beyond those of normal humans. One such power is selective hearing. While a parent can continue shopping for as long as an hour with shrieking children in tow with no apparent detriment to their mental health, they can, in an instant, tune into the quietest whisper or giggle. These powers of super hearing are most often used in conjunction with the threat, "I don't want to hear another sound from you." That phrase, of course, instantly triggers a giggle gland in most children which makes it next to impossible to avoid a laugh, giggle or titter. Parents use this same selective super hearing to tune into the sexy portions of television shows and movies because by that age watching it on television is the most action they've seen in years. Let's not deny them one of the few pleasures left to them.

2. It's nothing more than an optical illusion working against them. Those people aren't really as big is they look; their cars are much smaller than most, hence they look large compared to the tiny car they drive. As with many other things in this world it's just a matter of perspective. Let's take one well known fat person as an example of perspective: Rush Limbaugh. One of the few times I've ever heard this portly porcine yammer on endlessly on his radio show he flat-out admitted that if he thought he could make more money being a liberal he'd be kissing Kennedy ass in a minute. Of course the Limbaugh faithful always seem to choose to use their one free thought for the day to totally disregard comments like this in favor of all the half-truths and exaggerations we've all come to know and love. Rush, uses perspective to his advantage. The people who drive tiny cars are perspective-challenged and should not be made fun of.

Dear Daisy,
Who put the bomp in the bomp-she-bomp-she-bomp?
And, by the way, I'm a she, not a he.
Rusty

Dear Rusty,
Sorry for the mix up with the sexual identity, but as that famous computing industry cartoon reads: "On the internet no one knows you're a dog."

"Bomp" is manufactured by a subsidiary of a parent company owned by International Amalgamated Corporation. The manufacturing process is quite fascinating, really. The "bomp" (or "b" as industry insiders call it) is formulated from clear mountain waters, eleven herbs and spices, dry weave and special sauce. It's cold-filtered, polished with space-age polymers, applied to a non-stick surface and stamped with an expiration date to ensure you get the freshest bomp available. It's then rolled into the entire bomp-she-bomp-she-bomp configuration by the hands of children who are not yet mature enough to understand the sexual undertones of their work.

Dear Daisy,
I have a question on Canada, (1700's) why is lower part of Canada higher then upper part of Canada? Thank you
Just wondering

Dear Just Wondering,
If you'd smoked B.C. bud you would know why the lower part of Canada is higher than the upper part.

Dear Daisy,
I began masturbating in an unusual fashion of sort of pinching the shaft of my penis until I reached orgasm. Well I started about 5 years ago and it has made the regular, up and down stroking method as well as oral and anal sexual intercourse difficult to work up to orgasm to. How would I slowly work my brain into getting back into usual methods?
Love always, Jason

Dear Jason,
Before I get to your question I'll give you a little extra bonus piece of advice: when asking any Drag Queen a question about your or his masturbation habits it's best to avoid using words like "love". You might freak some people out with that one.

Now with that out of the way I have to say that you couldn't have come to a better place for advice about masturbation. Did you know they have a championship cup for such a thing? Just like any monkey, the penis can be taught tricks but because of its' lack of intelligence it can remember only a few at a time. Just as you taught your member to respond to your little squeezing trick you need to use repetition to get it used to the other forms of stimulation. Lay off the pinching and go for the stroking.