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Hard to
believe - this was Michael Jackson. He was born August 28, The shark
music from "Jaws" starts softly in the background...
The Sigourney
Weaver in "Ghostbusters" Stage - The beginning of the end. The "LaToilet"
stage The "Judy
Jetson" look and the year It all began. The Evil
Dead Look The Latex
Monkey In a Bad Wig Look of Planet Michael Mr. Potatohead
Michael The Dianna
Ross Look
The "Alcoholic
Housewife" look... The Batman
Period - Holy Joker! What Ever
Happened To Baby Mike? The "Black
Lagoon" phase
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1958
- one of 9 
kids. His father
reportedly nicknamed him "Big Nose". 
Another nose job to narrow things
and permanent eyeliner tattooed around his eyes. Ouch! Is that
lipstick?! During that time he had an army of spin doctors, lawyers,
bodyguards, agents, minions, PR magicians, attendants, and managers
all making sure he no one had a clue about his personal life
but what did we care? He was doing amazing, selfless things -
contributing to children's charities and starting his own "Heal
The World Foundation"; co-writing the famous "We Are
The World" song to help African famine victimsThere was
no one who wasn't impressed and didn't sprain an ankle trying
to imitate his "Moon Walk" in their living room.
OK, people and the press are really
talking now. Gasps are audibly heard. He gets his nose done again,
and, in a move that will forever baffle the world, neglects to
sue the bastard who botched the surgery job on him. He suddenly
has cheek bones. In a mere year and a half his skin's gone from
beautiful cocoa bronze to fish belly white. He first denies this,
and then blames it on the medical condition Vitiligo which causes
people of color to develop light patches of skin that lack pigment.
He's creepy. People are making jokes that only in America can
you be born a black man and end up a white woman. Talented or
no, the fact is we're realizing that Michael Has Issues.
In an insult to transvestite men
everywhere - who can look pretty damn good in a dress and makeup
and can project alluring female charm - when Mike does this,
he doesn't even have the decency to stop grabbing his crotch
every 1.0045 seconds and allowing that image for us. His skin
is getting lighter still even though it's supposedly already
been lightened (or not...who do you believe? Him or his PR people?)
The joke was that he was really his sister LaToya - you notice
you never saw them in the same room together? He gets his nose
done again and now sports little teeny triangles for nostrils
and a sharp razor ridge you could grate cheese on. Popular opinion
is he "fucked it up". Sheesh already! Can't you leave
him alone?! He's got a skin disease! He had a bad childhood!
He's a nice person! He recycles his plastics! 
He messed with it all again. Current
Color: toilet paper pink. Cheeks: Squirrel socking nuts away
for the winter. Reportedly the tip of his nose is so damaged
from the operations that the tissue has died, and he's now wearing
a fake prosthesis tip. (Ya think?) This unnecessary and seemingly
nonstop alteration has passed into the realm of "self-mutilation"
and when the shocking news of child molestation charges come
to light, it's the last straw for his sponsors Pepsi, LA Gear
and others who cancel his contracts. 
The publicly decried "third
nostril", which appeared after the January plastic surgery
that a few took time out of their busy days to write and inform
me I was full of shit about, seems to be closing up but has left
an obvious scar. The tip, which has been rumored (damn, I'm good)
to have died and/or be a puttied-on prosthesis looks to be dead
tissue and/or a puttied on prosthesis. He looked like a ghoul.
Well, when you hack away at it for 15 years that happens. I'm
jealous I don't have whatever it is Mike's on to make his pupils
the size of dinner plates. 
The story is that Mike was in
court because of a $21 million suit filed by his longtime promoter,
Marcel Avram. He says Mike didn't show up for 2 concerts New
Years Eve 2000 and Mike says he thought they'd been canceled
so spent the night at home watching TV. ::rolling eyes:::
We can all rest easier now - Michael
got a new nose courtesy of Dr. Werner Mang, a German Plastic
surgeon. Not only is Dr. Mang a gifted genius, but he doesn't
mind talking about how he made Michael a new nose out of part
of his ear. Just in time for Mike's child molestation trial,
so he's looking good. Except for wearing white to court, and
everyone knows you don't wear white after Labor Day. So Dr.
Mang says that Mike's "people" in 1998 about fixing
his nose, since it was rotting off his face. Mang did the operation
in the office of Michael's regular plastic surgeon, the one who
ought to be sued for malpractice. He took a slice of cartilage
from Mike's ear and slapped that puppy on his non-nose. He stated
that Michael has an obsession with plastic surgery and wants
to change from a black man to a white woman. He really said that,
too. I really like this doctor. He thinks like me! 
Yes, after his face could no longer
endure anymore plastic surgeries, Mike now has his choice of
attachable noses and breast implants. Maybe this will make him
feel better about his alleged molestation of young boys. 
... didn't catch on either. Even
the staunch defenders of Michael's sanity have to admit the boy's
cheese has slid off his cracker. Mike gets a fake chin implant
and suddenly loses his cleft chin, the sides of his face are
stretched taut, his nose isn't pointing North anymore and it's
anyone's guess what the hell he did to his skin this time. The
Art of Cosmetology seems to be an unknown science in his part
of the world and he's getting his face done at the local morgue.
He has new lipstick (my shade Mike..cool!) and jokes abound that
he's turned into Diana Ross. He is a ghoul and seems to be a
sick puppy with all this stuff he's done to himself and his bizarre
antics in public. 
New chin again, Nose again, new
cheeks, smaller jaw. The Bizarro angles are gone. The gaunt look
is replaced by rounder fluff. This would all be amusing as Theater
except this is how he's walking around, every day, pretending
this is all perfectly normal. The weirdest thing is people act
like it is. I mean, you never see photos of Mike dragging the
usual 3 or 4 little boys around with him, at some awards show
and see people in the background throwing up. Rumor has it he
transplanted some pubic hair to his jaw to try to make a Goatee
in an attempt to butch up , but the thought is too repulsive
to dwell on.
Oh, this isn't looking good...a
Goatee! Suddenly his jaw is an inch longer. He got his eyes pulled
so tight he looks Oriental and they've ceased to line up properly.
His lips have a hint of that lizard-lock smile you see on people
who have overdone the facelifts. Good thing Japanese Anime cartoons
are taking the US by storm so this is kind of fashionable. Because
of this It hits us that this is the trick Michael's been using
in those perfect professional photos we see of him! You mean
all those photos of him are retouched?! Say it ain't so! When
he's caught in public it's quite a different matter. And yuck!
Is that pubic hair? 
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! GAHHHHHH!!
Oh, sorry.... 
Big news brings Michael out of
his Howard Hughes-like life and back into the spotlight when
he charges his record company, Sony, is "racist". That's
why his "Invincible" CD sold 2 million copies; Sony
didn't promote him enough. He sez. We all get to gasp anew and
ask the question - WTF?! Seems he's had his nose fixed,,,WHEW!
and just got out of bed. As it is reported in the news it seems
a bridge was built to widen the nasal passages. "Thank God!"
the headlines say. Poor thing probably couldn't breathe! with
those teensy bitty nostrils. Oh How Nice For Him!