Aries March, 21-April, 19
Up until now, time hasn't exactly been on your side. Be sure to get plenty of rest, eat healthy foods and be ready to move when you're required to do so. It's so embarrassing when you crap in your pants.

Taurus April, 20 - May, 21
As the moon moves through Libra, you'd much rather be on the playground than on the battlefield, but duty calls. Let the other members of the team decide whether to fuck or fight.

Gemini May, 21 - June, 21
You have few responsibilities that you cannot get out of, Gemini. Instead of worrying about what needs to be done, do it! You will have plenty of time to finish knitting that sweater made entirely out of pubic hair.

Cancer June, 22 - July, 22
You're in charge of the store. Don't be surprised if a difficult customer moves to the head of the line, refusing to take a number. Just charge them for an extra can of "Whoop-Ass", open it and get over it.

Leo July, 23 - August, 22
Accept others for who they are, even as you figure out how they might serve you. Above all, wash your toys after each use; they're dishwasher safe if you put them in the top rack.

Virgo August, 23 - September, 22
The moon, in its passage from Libra to Scorpio, shows you the shape of things to come. You are hoping it will be long and thick. It has to be to pass through your moon.

Libra September, 23 - October, 22
Libra is the most important sign in the zodiac at this moment. Your bright plumage attracts likely mates like a cheap whore attracts flies.

Scorpio October, 23 - November, 21
No one seems to have time for you, but don't take it personally. Take advantage of this opportunity to brush up on personal hygiene. You may find that people will find time for you again.

Sagittarius November, 22 - December, 21
No one can figure you out, but you are not interested in being an open book. That's funny because you spend so much time at the bookstore. Maybe you're a librarian.

Capricorn December, 22 - January, 19
You've tried everything, but you just can't seem to get the results that you were hoping for. You can piss on the strip until the cows come home, but EPT doesn't work on boys.

Aquarius January, 20 - February, 18
Looking at the same setting day after day is getting a bit boring for you, Aquarius. If you didn't spend so much time on your back with your legs in the air, the scenery would change.

Pisces February, 19 - March, 20
No matter what happens it's important not to let yourself be distracted from the hardcore issues. If you can find it, buy second hand porn, it's cheaper.

Until next time.If you have to drink and drive, drive somebody else's car! Ms Mae