It is inappropriate to ask for a doggy bag when you are a guest. Save the doggy bag for informal dining situations. However, if you are paying for the food and you can't eat it all it is better than trying to remember to bring zip lock baggies from home and having them leak in your pockets.

It is best to order foods that can be eaten with a knife and fork. Finger foods can be messy and are best left for informal dining. I like to think that since we had fingers before we had knife and fork, this takes a lot of the work out of having to cut up all that meat. Sometimes it's just easier to grab the bull by the horns as it were.

Do not order alcoholic beverages. Drinking too much when dining out is one of the most disliked behaviors. This is true, but if you are on a date and you are teetering on getting laid and the only hope you have is getting them or you drunk, I say go for it!

Do not smoke while dining out. At least put your cigarette down while you chew.

Sit up straight at the table. It makes a good impression. If that impression is made, slouch lean, hell crawl under the table if you need to.

When you are not eating, keep your hands on your lap or resting on the table (with wrists on the edge of the table). I have found with too much time with the hands in the lap might make you fidgety and we all know what we want to fidget with. So opt for the circulation cutting wrists on the edge of the table.

Elbows on the table are acceptable only between courses, not while you are eating. What makes it OK then? I think that the elbow issue needs to be rethought, Yuk elbows are gross anyway.

Do not season your food before you have tasted it. Mary, if the food looks like it's going to taste like shit, you may want to cover it with ketchup and mustard first then think about seasoning it.

Never chew with your mouth open or make loud noises when you eat. Although it is possible to talk with a small piece of food in your mouth, do not talk with your mouth full. I have seen some people talk on their cell phone with a half of a chicken burrito in their mouth. What could be that important?

Do not slurp soup from a spoon. Spoon the soup away from you when you take it out of the bowl and sip it from the side of the spoon. If your soup is too hot to eat, let it sit until it cools; do not blow on it. Of course, you can cool it down with an ice cube from the water goblet, which would be the farthest outside glass or just pick it up and drink it like a beverage.

If food gets caught between your teeth and you can't remove it with your tongue, leave the table and go to a mirror where you can remove the food from your teeth in private. You could remove your teeth and drop them in a glass and shake the glass gently. If your teeth are stationary just take a sip and gently swish the water in your mouth and not to be rude swallow it. Spitting is foul!

Eat rolls or bread by tearing off small bite size pieces and buttering only the piece you are preparing to eat. When ready for another piece, repeat the same process. It depends, if there isn't much bread, grab a big hunk and butter it all, this is called "claiming" your food. Once you have claimed your food, you might want to touch it or dip it in your soup to make sure that others will not want any.

Engage in table conversation that is pleasant but entirely free of controversial subjects. Topics of controversy would include politics, voodoo, butt plugs, questionable medical devices and prostitutes.

You should not leave the table during the meal except in an emergency. Simply excuse yourself if you must go to the bathroom or if you suddenly become sick. On the other hand if you have to fart, take a chance. See which direction the wind is blowing and go ahead and let one rip. See if you can blame it on the person downwind from you, this is a fun game for many partygoers.

If you need something that you cannot reach easily, politely ask the person closest to the item you need to pass it to you. For example, "After you have used them yourself, would you please pass me the salt and pepper?" It is not proper to scream to another table "Hey, you bitches got any salt over there?"

If a piece of your silverware falls onto the floor, pick it up if you can reach it and let the server know you need a clean one. If you cannot reach it, tell the server you dropped a piece of your silverware and ask for a clean one. If no one sees you, kick it to the person next to you and grab their silverware and blame it on them. Or, make up a story about the waiter stealing your fork and they should be watched because it is costing their restaurant thousands of dollars in loss in silverware alone.

If you or someone you are dining with is left-handed, it is best for the left-handed person to sit at the left end of the table or at the head of the table. This arrangement helps ensure that everyone has adequate elbow room to eat comfortably. Since there is not that many left handed people, who cares if they have enough room, let them slobber and dribble food. This jut makes good table conversation

If food spills off your plate, you may pick it up with a piece of your silverware and place it on the edge of your plate. Or, you could just quickly toss it onto the floor, or place it strategically in the beautiful arrangement on the table. No one will notice until it starts to smell.

Never spit a piece of bad food or tough gristle into your napkin. Remove the food from your mouth using the same utensil it went in with. Place the piece of food on the edge of your plate. If possible, cover it with some other food from your plate. Now that is just gross, I say spit it out and make a fuss. If your at such a hi class dinner party what the hell are they doing serving you shitty cuts of meat. What is it beaver? Remove it with the same utensil it went in with, and poke holes in your tongue, my ass? Don't do it!

Now I know that you may not remember all these rules every time you go out to eat, but, if you keep these few rules in mind it will sure give you something to talk about during dinner with friends. Well of course not while you are eating, with your mouth full, with your hands on your lap and your elbows at your side. But by all means, have a good time.