Hello Kittens! And welcome to a superstar's dream, my own advice column. Whether you have questions about love, life, revenge, trade, etiquette, or if you have any good gossip or need a recipe. Ask me. I know everything and have done everything, so don't hesitate to dig deep into that bag of smut and ask away. You can e-mail your questions to MsMae@mchsi.com or send them to BOI Magazine 3711 N. Ashland Ave. 2nd Floor Chicago, IL 60613 to my attention of course. I look forward to helping every one of you in your time of need.

Dear Daisy,
I have difficulty in choosing what to eat from the menu when I am taken out to a restaurant. Some of the prices horrify me. But should I choose the cheaper dishes that I don't particularly like in order not to seem greedy?
Signed,
I want it all

Dear Miss Want it all,
What a sensitive and unselfish (unshellfish?) soul you are, (tight ass). I take it that you are a young and dating, since you keep on being taken out to restaurants? It doesn't happen so often to me, but I'm not bitter. But you are right. It is a bit of a problem. That is why the snootier restaurants and upscale eateries have menus that do not show the prices for guests. This avoids the embarrassment of worrying about the cost. One safe way out of your Catch-22 is to ask your date, I assume, for advice, or to order what he does. Another option is to order one of the chef's dishes of the day. These tend to be the ones he has taken particular trouble over (or has ordered too much of). But you should not be over embarrassed about cost. Your host has offered to take you out. That means that he/she is prepared to pay for you, even though you show a partiality for lobster, grouse and crepes Suzette. Proper etiquette tells us that you should probably put out after dinner, especially if you ordered the before mentioned delicacies. Bon appetit.

Dear Daisy,
I am often reluctant to complain in a restaurant should the quality of my meal not reach a satisfactory standard, as I hear all sorts of stories about chefs gaining their revenge by spitting in the food. Can you suggest a method of complaining which does not run the risk of such a disgusting act of revenge, or should I just withhold my complaints altogether? Surely the right to complain should be allowed - after all, I am paying for my food.
Signed,
Don't wannabe a Bitch

Dear You Are,
The customer has a right to complain, if the food is rotten or badly cooked, or the wine is corked or vinegared. Not if he has ordered Steak Tartare, without realizing that it is meant to be eaten raw. You are right. It is often counterproductive to complain, a waste of time, and inviting retaliation from the kitchen, in the form of worse than spitting in the soup or jacking off on your hamburger or putting boogers in your salad or I guess you get my point. I have a friend who complains on principle; but he does tip extravagantly. So the waiter and maitre d-hotel bow and submit to his whims. The true remedy for bad restaurant food is to patronize a better restaurant. If asked, after the meal, whether it was to your satisfaction, it is safe to reply: "No. The steak was overcooked and the baked potato wasn't done." When eating out in restaurants, we take our stomachs in our hands. We can often be disappointed. We can hope to improve things only by telling the truth. But truth is a strong dish, seldom appreciated, and revenge is a dish better served cold.

Dear Daisy,
I have a dear friend who, whenever I dine with her, asks for a doggie bag. That is fine; what isn't fine, is that she proceeds to put everything on the table into it, including half-eaten rolls, butter, and the remains of my plate -- and I mean everything, including half-gnawed bones. I die of embarrassment and make a joke about it to the waiter, who is probably ready to explode with disgust or laughter. This happens time and time again. She obviously isn't getting my hints. Is there anything I can say to stop her from doing this? I am at the point where I don't want to go out with her anymore.
Signed
Doggie Don't

Dear Don't
If another person's manners or lack thereof, bothers you to the extent that it interferes with your relationship and you find yourself questioning whether you want to continue to go out with them, this is a serious problem.
Typically, there is no changing other people. However, people need to be made aware of their behavior, and that is something you can change. I suggest going forward; you could say something to the effect of, "Miss Thing, do you want to put the napkin holder, the table cloth and the waiter in there as well?" "Look at that woman grab her kids, she's afraid you're going to grab one of them and stuff one of them in that doggie bag!" Make her know that others are noticing her actions, and let her understand that her actions are embarrassing If she still doesn't get it, then you need to make a decision about whether to dine out with her or eat at one of your homes, but be careful to have her to your home, she may run off with your stereo and TV.

Dear Daisy,
I was at a restaurant and ordered soup that arrived with big chunks of meat and things. Is it OK to use a knife with soup?
Signed,
Garlinda

Dear Garlinda,
No, never use a knife with soup. What are you White Trash?