Dear Daisy,
OK, I belong to a tennis and swimming club, and I have a huge crush on
this ausome outgoing, outrageous, and hottttttt guy. Only problem is
that he doesn't know that I even exist. So how do you think I can get his attention and make it so that he starts noticing me?
Thanks
Jon

Dear Jon,
Remember back in high school when we all constantly scrambled to be just like everyone else so people wouldn't punch us in the head or start rumors about us? During those four years of hell we tried our hardest to be exactly like everyone else. Now's the time to unlearn all that stifling conformity because the simple truth is: as adult's unique people get noticed. In high school they get beat up.

Dear Daisy,
If I touch my nose with my tongue, wiggle my ears, and cross my eyes
at the same time while putting both feet behind my head, what will
happen?
Rusty

My Dearest Rusty,
Thanks again for writing, if it gets you nothing else it will get you lots of dates.

Here are a couple of the funniest questions that I have gotten over the last year:

Dear Daisy,
I am a 38 year old male with no arms, how can I masturbate?
Signed,
atopper

Dear atopper,
Do you folks think I'm some kind of brainless Drag Queen; that I lack any ability to determine the sincerity of a question? And while I'm asking questions, how many times can you people ask if I'm gay? Does it really matter how I like it?

For the edification of those with diminished mental capacity and/or judgement, over the years my faithful minions here in the research labs at Dear Daisy! Industries Unlimited, Ltd. has developed a device to measure the veracity of a question. In this case, our fictitiousometer, as we like to call it, labeled this armless masturbation question "highly suspect" for the following reasons:

1. Men don't solicit advice on masturbation.

2. An amputee is unlikely to use a public forum to raise such a question.

3. A 38 year old male's interest in masturbation-- armless or not-- is probably not compelling enough to warrant such a question.
Besides, aren't there enough masturbation-related web sites out there to satisfy everyone's masturbation curiosity? Start working that mouth stick of yours and get to searching the web, man! (Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against amputees and certainly nothing against masturbation but your question has dredged up many powerful memories of the years I spent working as a comfort girl in the trauma ward of a hospital during the war. The thought of lubed-up stumps still makes my head swim.)

Dear Daisy,
I have a really big head compared to the rest of my body, it's quite obvious. I am not sure what happened in my development but something went terribly wrong. Anyway, the kids down at the skate board park have started calling me "head and half", It really hurts me and I am not sure what I can do about it, any ideas?

Come here, sit on Aunt Daisy's lap... don't listen to the kids at the skate park, they are just jealous. Only awesome people have giant heads. I have a big old head. My brother drew has a gigantic head. A large percentage of famous people have big heads. Look at Oprah! Her head is bigger than my head, your head, and drew's head put together. So don't you feel bad, you are up there with some great big headed people.