Well my kittens it's all up to you my furry friends to keep me on my toes and off my back paws! So, send me a letter either e-mail to Dear.Daisy@sbcglobal.net or you can always send it to me with a postal worker to BOI Magazine c/o Dear Daisy 3647 N. Halsted Ave., Chicago IL 60613. Now let's see what's on your mind!

Dear Daisy,
Can you please tell me more about sperm? My boyfriend and I aren't having sex, but we mess around a lot. Even though we are careful, I am still worried that some how some of his "little guys" are going to get down there some how. I mean, all we really do is I give head, jack him off, and stuff like that. Then his semen fluid gets on my hands. I wash it off with soap and water, but I am still paranoid that somehow it will get me. Can you give me some more information about sperm? Like how long does it "live", and stuff along those lines?
Thanks,
Scared of sperm

Dear Scared,
I am unsure of your gender at this point but that is the least of your problems. While sperm may be one of the keys to human existence they don't posses super powers. Okay, mine might but it's a by product of a strange medical experiment I participated in while I was in prison. They said the strange green discoloration would disappear as well and it never did. I suppose that's what I get for trusting Mississippi prison doctors.

Sperm deposited in and around a mouth will not lead to pregnancy. Unless, that is, you're limber enough to rub your spermy face in your own crotch and if that were possible I'm not sure how much need you'd have for another sex partner. Semen needs to come quite close to the entrance of the Holy Temple of Venus to have any chance at all. And even if it's deposited just outside the temple gates the chances of pregnancy are slim. Not impossible, just greatly reduced. According to my encyclopedia of naughty sexual facts, in "ideal conditions" sperm can live for up to 48 hours. I'm assuming "ideal conditions" means the comfort and warmth of your friendly neighborhood vagina. Seed spilled onto the soil (or carpet, couch, computer keyboard, or the back seat of dad's car) doesn't stand much of a chance, I'm sure. While washing with soap and water will help reduce the chance of any sperm making it into your inner sanctum, all it takes is one.

I'm not being very reassuring, am I? There's good reason for that. Short of having yourself spade there's really no sure mechanism to ensure you won't get knocked up. The best you can do is find the most reliable form of birth control and use it religiously. And since you're so concerned about getting pregnant I can only assume you're not on birth control. You ought to be, even if you're not having intercourse. You owe it to yourself and your future. And while I'm at it I should mention safe sex. Your boyfriend might be safe but what about the next guy you decide to dance the electric bugaloo with? Get in the habit now.

Dear Daisy,
I have this habit of saving old bills (i.e. telephone, electric, etc.) and receipts. I was wondering, is there a specific time period that important papers should be kept and if so, how long?

Wanting to clean up

Dear Wanting to clean up,
Since the majority of all bills are generated by computers nowadays I thought I'd marshal the awesome advice-giving powers of Daisy Mae Laboratories own artificial advice system, The Electric Head. Let's call up The Electric Head now and see what kind of response it has to your query.

The Electric Head responds:
Invalid input. Even if you flawed humans had entered the data properly your query would be of little consequence; all modes of human communication are flawed and inefficient. However I have been coded to respond to all queries. Therefore I will return a string of random words which will appear to you humans as meaningful as one of your so-called human "sentences":

Quibble a thrummed ill saucer. Murmur eternal manumissions of tony terrestrial peals.

The Electric Head has spoken!

I think what The Head was trying to say is that if the bills are tax-related, it's best to keep them for seven years; otherwise it's off to the recycling bin after a year or two.