Dear Daisy,
I have a huge problem. I'm 25 years old and I have rather small penis. I'm not a virgin; it's just that the only way I can get some is if the guy is drunk. I'm scared to be in a relationship due to this problem. What should I do? -Steve

Dear Steve,
You are not that endowed, and the only way to get a guy to sleep with you is if he is drunk? What, do you wear a t-shirt that says "I HAVE A SMALL PENIS" when you go out? Honestly, there is no way for guys to know that about you without you telling him or showing him, so your problems with the boys may stem from something else.

Perhaps your problems with the boys are caused by the fact that you seem to just be trolling for tail? A relationship is the best place for a small penis, because a relationship has a lot of non-sexual components. Your small penis won't matter when you are having conversations and making plans together and supporting each other. One night stands with bar tricks are just about one thing-- the sex part.

Honestly, though, a lot of guys don't have any problem with small penises. Some even prefer them (I don't, but you're not gonna be dating me, anyway). If you work on your man-pleasing skills (you know, the foreplay and oral and whatnot), the size of your dick isn't going to matter much at all. I would recommend that you try to meet a nice guy, and take him on A DATE, and maybe FIND OUT DIFFERENT THINGS ABOUT HIM, and try to BE A GENTLEMAN. If you do all these things, and the guy likes you, too, he will probably not notice your little thing.

Dear Daisy,
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Signed, Bob the pimp

Dear Bob,
The best thing before sliced bread was, of course, sliced ham. Oddly, the invention of sliced ham predated that of sliced bread by almost 100 years. In those days, sliced ham was used mainly as an edible (albeit structurally questionable) plate. The sliced ham plate was popular with young business men who could buy a cheese sampler and salad and eat it on the go. With the introduction of sliced bread, the popularity of the sliced ham plate declined as it was replaced by the sliced bread plate. However, for backwards compatibility with legacy lunches, the sliced ham remained in the meal between the slice of bread and the cheese. A decade later, a second slice of bread was added to the top of the meal to increase the structural integrity of the meal and to allow it to be easily eaten with one hand. So there you have it, it's always been sliced bread.

Dear Daisy,
O.K...I was wondering if one were to dissolve a Listerine mint in their butt and then fart, would their farts smell minty?
Sir Mint

Dear Sir,
I think more mediciney than minty.