Dear Daisy,
Since you're so knowledgeable about everything, I'd like to ask you how one goes about legally changing their name. Like, where do you go, what kind of papers you need to fill out, and how long it take to legally change your name.
Thanks.
Nameless

Dear Nameless,
I don't claim to be knowledgeable about everything but I will answer just about any question. Whether the answer has anything to do with the question is a different story.

Before I answer your question I need to provide this disclaimer: Dear Daisy is not a licensed legal professional nor does she portend to maintain any knowledge of legal matters including but not limited to: international law, personal liability or the pursuit of sexual activity with men between the ages of 17 and 19. Laws and procedures vary between states. Your mileage may vary. Discontinue use if rash should occur. Rinse, lather and Repeat.

The procedure varies between states. Considering what I went through to get my Illinois driver's license recently, this state probably requires blood and stool samples along with proof of ownership. Then they charge you 6% of your net worth and if you drove from another state they'll tack on an additional $300 pollution fee even though I've see more smoke belching beasts on the road here than at the last Black Crows show.

A good place to start is the front of the phonebook. There you'll find phone numbers for local and state agencies, one of which will undoubtedly be able to help you further. You'll also find a long list of names already taken. You can use the same name as one already on the list but choose carefully: Charles Manson, Jeffery Dahmer and Bob Dole are all names which are best avoided. Apparently some states allow you to prove that you've used your newly chosen name in business for five years. Of course you don't need to tell then its five dog years, you just need to be able to tell a convincing lie. But that's what life is really all about, isn't it?

Dear Daisy,
What is the best way to use saw palmetto berries to get the best results? I understand they are not water soluble.
thxs TOM T

Dear Tom,
The nice part about palmetto berries is they're so versatile. Crushed and applied to the hair they not only condition but add elegant red highlights. Blended with distilled water and applied appropriately they stop minor feminine itching. If you boil four cups of berries, two cups of sugar and a cup of water on a low heat for an hour you'll find you have a savory, lo-cal gelatin which will satisfy even the fussiest Vegan. Add a half-cup of bleach to that mixture and apply it to stained grout and it will turn white before your eyes.

Still have that old table in the garage you've been meaning to fix up? Rub some berries into steel wool the buff the table... look at those layers of paint disappear like magic!

And if you dry and smoke those berries, Tom, well, there's a reason everyone dressed like they did in the 70's. It took us an entire decade to come down from that trip. And look where we're at now. It's clearly not worth it.

Dear Daisy,
My boyfriend is living in another state and so I have been writing letters and sending him e-mail and he seems to be ignoring me. I have no idea why and I tried to ask her but he ignored me. I need help fast! What should I do?
Sgned, Confused

Dear Con,
I was living in another state for awhile but eventually I came here and now I can finally buy shoes with real shoelaces again.

A boyfriend lives in another state and has recently stopped responding to electronic mail. The boyfriend should:

A. Show up on his doorstep hopped up on speed with a shotgun slung over your shoulder.
B. Slam on the brakes.
C. Call him on the telephone and ask if there's something happening in his life which would explain this change in behavior.
D. Overnight him the innards of a rutting swine.

Dear Daisy,
I've had this evil math problem that has been annoying me for a
very ling time. If any number divided by itself is equal to one, then
shouldn't zero divided by zero equal one as well? If so then you have something from two nothings, if not then what the hell does it equal? Also is it just me, or does bran taste really good, and should we all vote for Mr. Rogers for his "would you be my neighbor" foreign relations policy?
-Testiclese the Great

Dear Testicles,
In the math world zero divided by itself equals zero and it will always be that way. However math has little relation to the rest of this vast universe and if you stand back and look for a moment you'll see plenty of instances where putting two bits of nothing together will equal something and often times that something is much more than just one. Matter of fact this great country of ours is based on the very notion that any Jim-Bob can slap two pieces of absolutely worthless materials together and sell them to every mobile-home-living white person within its borders. The fancy terms for it is "free enterprise" or "worker exploitation".
And it is just you.