Aries March, 21-April, 19
With Market Days under your belt literally, what will your next social obligation be? We all know whatever it is you will be the bell of the ball, even if it's through your eyes only.

Taurus April, 20 - May, 21
Life couldn't be better, the more you see the more you want. Just like a Taurus, give you a finger and you want the whole fist.

Gemini May, 21 - June, 21
Decisions, decisions, decisions, should I go or not. If I go, who will I take? What will I wear? I hate my clothes. Maybe I should have a drink. STOP the madness Gemini, shit or get off the pot!

Cancer June, 22 - July, 22
Be proud of yourself, especially this week. You're entering a manic upswing. Life, as you know it will be like a big bowl of fruit salad and you are doing the tossing.

Leo July, 23 - August, 22
Well, Leo, the first sign of dry weather and you're back on the beach. Funny what washes up on the shore? In my experience its dirty diapers, chewed up cigars, syringes, band-aids and cigarette butts.

Virgo August, 23 - September, 22
Well last time we covered all the important body parts, now I don't have anything else to say. But then again I could make something up.

Libra September, 23 - October, 22
I certainly hope you have figured the wardrobe thing. Now let's work on the hair. I'm dong this in your best interest. I know you haven't been getting laid, I'm not being a bitch, I'm trying to help.

Scorpio October, 23 - November, 21
The dreamer inside of you finally realizes that it's time to face up to reality, Scorpio. Besides, what is the point of wasting these next days waiting for events that will never happen? There's no such holiday as "Butt Plug "day.

Sagittarius November, 22 - December, 21
Pull yourself together girl; try something different than the bookstore or the baths. Buy yourself dinner and a couple of cocktails and go out and fuck yourself.

Capricorn December, 22 - January, 19
Cheer up Capricorn; you are the most beautiful sigh of the zodiac. Your bright plumage attracts mates, like whores attract flies.

Aquarius January, 20 - February, 18
This is the dawning of the age of aquari-slut!

Pisces February, 19 - March, 20
Are people excluding you from their group? Does it seem that nobody wants to be around you? Did you make a stinky and try to blame it on someone else? Think about it and then go wipe.

Until next time, if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!..Ms. Mae