Hello Kittens! And welcome to a superstar's dream, my own advice column. Whether you have questions about love, life, revenge, trade, etiquette, or if you have any good gossip or need a recipe. Ask me. I know everything and have done everything, so don't hesitate to dig deep into that bag of smut and ask away.

You can e-mail your questions to MsMae@mchsi.com or send them to BOI Magazine 1711 N. Ashland Ave. 2nd Floor Chicago, IL 60614 to my attention of course. I look forward to helping every one of you in your time of need.

Dear Daisy,
Ever since I was a little tyke, I have had a small problem that has gotten larger as I've gotten older. It started out at my 4th birthday party, Klunko the Clown was there and we laughed and laughed. Well Daisy, I laughed so hard, I started to pass gas! It's true, when ever I laughed I farted. Everyone was shocked, so I blamed it on the dog. The next day, I was looking at the pictures of my party and I saw the pictures of my friends and I with the clown and I started to laugh again and you got it, I farted. Thank god no one was there! This went on all through grade school, and then in high school. I have been to specialists and there is no physical reason for this condition, but it has worsened. Now, I'm afraid that one day when I find something really funny, I'll let out a really embarrasing projectile in public. Tell me Daisy, you are a compassionate person what can I do?

Signed, C. Rapp

Dear Crap,
I thought I could be objective, but, your problem is a real pooper. First of all how could you blame your stinky's on your pooch? That's just wrong. Are you a bean junkie? In my expert opinion, flatulence is in most cases is a dietary reaction. If changing your diet doesn't work, I would suggest Depends, pull-ups, huggies, pillow, pads and a consultation with Juliette Prowse or June Lockhart. There are also a few fetish groups that may beg you to join.

Dear Daisy,
I lost my figure after getting a boyfriend. I traded going out clubbing for sitting in front of the TV eating & cuddling. I used to dance all the time but now after work I stay home with my hubby and veg out. Staying home isn't the problem because I really like spending time with him. Please don't suggest going to aerobic classes with my beau, because he is not the exercise type. I've even tried butterless popcorn too. Help before I can't get off the couch.

Signed,
Ballooning in Boystown

Dear Balloon,
Love is a many splendord thing, and if that means cuddling on the couch with your chubby hubby eating ice cream and popcorn with real butter, than so be it. I myself happen to be a bit on the portly side and my husband loves me for who I am. And that is all that matters. I will say, if your weight becomes a medical problem, by all means try to do something about it then. But, until then try short walks hand in hand along Foster beach or Belmont Rocks after the Lifetime evening movie. The scenery is interesting and there are food vendors along the way.

Dear Daisy,
My best friend is straight. He has a wife and I got along with her pretty good too. After joining the church choir, she has started telling her husband that being gay is wrong and that he shouldn't associate with gay people. If he associates, he's contributing to the lifestyle which she now feels is wrong.
He doesn't feel this way but it puts both a strain on his marriage and on our friendship. What right does she have to play God?

Signed,
Can't we all just get along?

Dear Get along,

I have always been an advocate of live and let live, but sometimes we have to fight for what we believe in. The word Homosexual was not a word until the 19th century Even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. Are there degrees of abomination?
When the opportunity arises, you may want to slip this zinger into your conversation: You know that you are not allowed contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness, Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do you tell her without her taking offense? Or maybe she will be judged, especially if she plucks her eyebrows. After all, getting your hair trimmed, including the hair around your temples, is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. Lev. 21:20 states "a person may not approach the altar of God if they have a defect in their sight". I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? I hope there is a bit of wiggle room and I hope this has helped to clear things up a bit for you. There are only 10 rules carved in stone and they all boil down to LOVE.

Dear Daisy,
Why does everyone shave their pubes??? I like them bushy... I mean really bushy where I can bury my nose in there and not come out for a week. I think it's manly, how about you? Is there a group I can join where guys are all-natural down there?

Signed,
Can't see the forest

Dear Forest,
Push, Push in the bush! So you like them bushy? That's cool, I myself do not. All that hair getting stuck in my throat and coughing it up like a cat with a hairball, that's not for me, but, to each his own. I do want you to know that you are not a freak. Well, maybe a little, but honey, we all are. There may be a couple of clubs that might have fetish nights that cater to a man of your taste, try Touché, or Jackhammer. If this doesn't work there are many social clubs that might be helpful. If all else fails, join a gardening club.