Aries March, 21-April, 19
To market, to market to buy..be careful what you buy this weekend, some things aren't what they seem.  Always get a receipt unless it's from your local discopharmacologist

Taurus April, 20 - May, 21
This may be the week that you find true love.  The weather has been humid enough to unearth all kind of ungodly creatures.  If you don't believe me go to the corner of Clark and Belmont.

Gemini May, 21 - June, 21
Keep your bad habits in check.  You may end up in Triple A.  That's AA for drunk drivers. Like I always say, "If you have to drink and drive, drive somebody else's car."

Cancer June, 22 - July, 22
So how did it go with Paula?  You don't need to worry about running into her at Market Days; it's too far for her to travel.  I may be gone but I'm still a bitch. 

Leo July, 23 - August, 22
Due to all the electrical activity I am having a hard time giving advice to you, dear Leo.  One thing I can tell you is that Aquarians are typically sluts.  Just ask anybody. You know who you are.

Virgo August, 23 - September, 22
Your lucky streak is coming to a screeching halt.  It seems Uranus is in retrograde and Martha Stuart has a camel toe.  What does this mean? I'm not sure but I have covered most of the important body parts.

Libra September, 23 - October, 22
I realize I suggested a new wardrobe but I certainly didn't mean to go wild with the Jacqueline Smith collection at K-mart.  Did you break a nail crawling out of that K-hole?

Scorpio October, 23 - November, 21
Now you must have learned that you cannot sexually abuse a bull, but boys are different.  They're like puppies.  Beat them with a newspaper and they come right back to you wagging their tales.

Sagittarius November, 22 - December, 21
Why you spry wood nymph you.  Darting around the woods like a fairy in heat.  Well when you look at it that way that's exactly what you are, a fairy in heat.   

Capricorn December, 22 - January, 19 
Last issue I eluded that you commit a rude act on Paula.  This time, I dare you to apologize, she'll be as mad as a wet hen, but you'll do the right thing.

Aquarius January, 20 - February, 18
It's a fact in the Library of Congress.  You are still a slut.  

Pisces February, 19 - March, 20
Get out your sun block and slather it on.  You are in your element this weekend, shopping, half naked men and finger food.  You're as happy as a little girl! 

Until next time, support your local night club, Tell 'em I sent you! Ms. Mae