Driving Chuck & Tom: A Transcript The following is a transcript of two frienmds, Chuck & Tom, who recently returned to Chicago for a visit after moving away many years ago. They are being chauffeured around by Geeves, a tour guide who specializes in all things gay in Chicago.   Geeves: Chuck & Tom, welcome back to Chicago. Chuck: Why thank you, Geeves. Nice of you to drive and show us around Tom: Geeves, do you mind if we go by some of our old stomping grounds? G: Not at all. Where to first? T: How about downtown. [Driving along Wells Street in Old Town] C: Well I see that the Carol's space is still empty. T: I believe it's haunted. That's where that dreadful Jeffrey Dahmer picked up some of the boys he killed and then ate. C: Look, the Bijou is still around. G: Yes sir, Chuck, they still show movies there and have dancers monthly. T: I got the best blow job in my life in there. It was 1986. Some boy from Michigan City, Indiana. Wow! C: Tom, please! Must you be so crude? T: I'm just saying . It was a damn good blow job. The boy had great lips. [Driving in the Gold Coast] C: Tom, do you remember Heaven, the place we used to go to after work on Fridays? Geeves, do they still do that? G: Heaven is gone, but guys still go for Friday cocktails at Second Story Bar and Gentry? T: I remember both of those places, especially Gentry with those cute waiters. It's up here on Rush Street, isn't it? G: No sir, you're thinking of the old location. Gentry is now closer to the Loop on State Street. The owner died not too long ago. C: That's too bad. Hey let's get out of this traffic and head up toward Boystown. [Driving along Halsted Street] C: Spin? I remember when that place was called Foxy's. I loved dancing there. G: It's been Spin for a while now and they are going through a renovation. They're going to have another bar and a new dance floor on the basement level, along with new bathrooms. T: I remember giving head to this uncut German guy in the bathroom at Foxy's. That was hot! C: Tom, you're such a slut! T: I'm just saying it was a lot of foreskin to chew on. C: Oh my, what happened to the Unicorn? They've become condos! G: Actually, the Unicorn became Steamworks and it's still a bathhouse. And it's still there. T: I remember C: Tom, shut up. Your remembrances at a bathhouse could fill a book. C: That looks to be a nice bar over there. G: It's Scarlet. Opened up last year. Before that it was Gentry's other location. T: Did you know I had a fling with Rudy De La Mor. He was goooood! C: Tom, for the last time Now is that the entrance to Sidetrack? With a patio area in front? G: Yes, amazing how much it's grown over the years. From their original space, they've expanded north and south, pushed back toward the alley, and also built a roof-top deck? T: I never had sex in there. It was too damn small back then. But I did pick up one of those chorus boys one Monday night during Showtunes. I sure did make him hit a high note that night. C: Geeves, pay no attention to him. Now what's that place just south of Sidetrack? There wasn't a bar there before. G: It's called Minibar. Very stylish and trendy. Popular with the twenty-somethings. T: I like twinks! G: Anyway, it's about to not be so mini as I hear they are about to expand, going back and also opening a space on their lower level. C: And what happened to Men's Room? G: It's now called Cocktail. A fun crowd with good house music and go-go boys. T: I like house music and I definitely like go-go boys! G: And of course you guys remember Roscoe's? C: Yes, that's where Tom and I met! T: I got thrown out of there once when the bouncer caught me having sex with this guy in the bathroom stall. Totally embarrassing and totally not worth it. The guy had a really small one. C: Many years ago this used to be called Christopher Street and then it became Manhole. G: Yes, it's been Hydrate for a few years now and they get a lot of the big named DJs to play there. They recently remodeled and it looks really nice in there. T: I used to come here just about every weekend when it was Manhole. C: And I'm sure you had sex here as well. T: Sure did! I got taken from behind right on the dance floor during an underwear party. G: On the dance floor !?! T:Yeah, and to this day I still have no idea who tagged my ass, but whoever it was, they put a hurtin' on old Tom here. That thing was huge! C: Tom, way T-M-I. C: Wow what's this big building? And Whole Foods? G: It's the Center On Hlasted. Basically our GLBT community center. C: Very nice. And what happened to Vortex across the street. G: Well these condos replaced Vortex, and there's a big nightclub called Circuit next door. T: I went to Circuit several years ago when I visited friends here. C: Let me guess, sex on that dance floor as well. T: No, just in the bathroom stall. With Billy C. C: What!?! You're kidding! T: No, and he's got a fabulous and very receptive behind. C: He's a bottom? T: He was that night. G: Hey guys, why don't we head up to Andersonville. [Driving along Clark Street south of Foster] C: Chicago Eagle is still here but what happened to Clark's on Clark and Different Strokes. G: Gone and gone. T: But Man's Country is still here. Yipee! I wonder if they still have discount Wednesdays. C: Wow, this neighborhood has rally changed over the years. That place with the big open windows looks cool. G: That would be @mosphere. Kind of a neighborhood bar with DJs and strippers on Friday and Saturdays. I hear they are about to do the same on Thursdays as well. C: And look Tom, they have a Hamburger Mary's now in Chicago. G: And upstairs they have a lounge called Mary's Attic that has Karaoke, bingo, and then DJs on the weekend. Over there across the street you'll see Marty's. It's a totally cool martini bar that's very popular. G: And up here on the Far North Side there's Jackhammer and Touché. Jackhammer has become quite the fun spot with a really diverse crowd. C: And Touché I'm assuming is still a leather bar. G: Yes, leather and other fetishes. T: Like red hanky and yellow hanky. G: Yes, those are just two of the color hankies to name a few. C: Geeves, thank so much for the driving trip down Memory lane. Could you drop us off at our hotel. G: Sure thing. T: Actually, you can drop me off at Unicorn, I mean Steamworks. This walk down Memory Lane has gotten me horny. Speaking of which, I did her too.