Well Kittens, its not whether you win or lose,yes it is. Its a bitch to lose! But you never have to lose if you ask questions. So if you have a question, just ask! You can e-mail me at Dear.Daisy@sbcglobal.net or send it by disgruntled postal workers to BOI Magazine, 3711 N. Ashland 2nd Floor Chicago, IL 60613. Now, on to the letters!

Dear Daisy,
This problem may not be too serious to you, but it is to me! Okay, I want to be in a TV commercial, but I don't know where to look, or if I do find something, how would I know if it is a scam or not? I don't want to pay to be in a commercial because I think that is a scam. I don't know, can you help? I know your busy and all, but hey, if you get a chance to read this, then
please take time to answer.
Captain Canada

Dear Captain Canada,
First off change your name. I may get a lot of flack for saying this but nothing remarkable ever comes from Canada except Cirque du Soliel. Sure Peter Jennings is kinda cool but that's about as good as it gets.
Most people in commercials are talented in some way: famous athletes, former politicians, actors and such. You might be able to crack the business if you have talent but that's not something for me to determine, that's left to be decided by the cold and fickle consumers of this great land of ours. If you know talent doesn't run deep in your canyon you can always force yourself on the public. Nowadays the media is so starved for the next big thing they'll pay you to tell your story. Got a penis? Lop it off, sew it back on and you got yourself a porno movie deal! No penis? Tell them you're having Richard Simon's baby. Or Ru Paul's. Or Madonna's. Heck, you don't even need to carry Madonna's child, just get caught in bed with her and your phone will be ringing off the hook. That's what this country is really all about anymore. People aren't interested in getting a good agent and pounding the streets, they just want to be a star and a shooting star at that. But the stars that shine the brightest burn out the quickest.

Dear Daisy,
I'm troubled by the seriousness of some of the questions you get. After all, you are only a second-rate internet advice columnist with no real training in psychology, sociology, or demonology, right? Would pharmacology be the answer to my troubles? Please hasten to reply, as I am mired in lugubriousness.
bOOb

Dear bOOb,
First of all I am anything but second rate! While you are using your $3.oo words to throw off other readers I can sift through your bewilderment and still answer your question. Allow me to let you in on an advice industry secret: some of the better known advice columnists pick easy questions so they look much smarter when responding. Look at the matrons of the industry: Anne and Abby. If you knew nothing about our society except for what you read in their columns you'd think America is nothing more than a bunch of puritanical paranoids with nothing better to do than complain about guests showing up early to dinner parties and the noise of their neighbor's wind chimes. There's no mention of rape, molestation, drugs, murder or any other kind of mayhem which is really the lifeblood of this country. I drink from that river every day while those two sit in their ivory towers dispensing advice which perfume is best for your poodle. I'm coming for you Abby! You hear me?!? I'm gonna give you a piece of this. I want you! I WANT YOU!!!

Dear Daisy,
I am a never-ending plethora of questions. Sometimes it hurts because they all pile up on one side of my brain. But that's a different problem. Why is it that if you push your finger really far into your bellybutton, your ears pop?
Rusty

Dear Rusty,
Either I'm a non-ear popping model or you're trying to pull a quick one on Daisy! Here. I suppose you expect me to spend hours trying to cram something pointy into my gut until my ears pop. Well I ain't gonna fall for it. Besides, I've already done my stint for science... I was a test subject for a new form of sleeping pill. They never made it to market and I don't quite remember why. I think it was something about zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.