Aries March, 21-April, 19
Even though the odds may seem stacked against you, you are a supreme being in your own world! It's the other poor shits that don't have a fucking clue. You will win, it should just be understood.

Taurus April, 20 - May, 21
Now that you have tasted the real poop, you can tell the difference between what's real and what's not. Use this wisdom wisely, because you don't want to eat poop again.

Gemini May, 21 - June, 21
Hey fatty, fatty two by four, the diet didn't work? Try the 3C diet. Cocaine, caffeine and cocktails works for so many but remember to please drink responsibly.

Cancer June, 22 - July, 22
Well hopefully you have learned that cheap isn't always better. Just ask Paula Sinclare. If she's on a manic upswing she'll agree. If not, you will be better off staying away from her.

Leo July, 23 - August, 22
Looking for love in all the wrong places? I have no response to that.

Virgo August, 23 - September, 22
If you want it you shall have it. You know how it's done just whine until you get your way. Either it gets done because it's meant to be or it will be done to shut you up.

Libra September, 23 - October, 22
Dress to impress this week. This summer it is just to hot to wear layers! With this humidity you will be as moist as a virgin at a rodeo. Dress light, be fabulous!

Scorpio October, 23 - November, 21
Isn't it about time you take control of your destiny? Grab the bull by the horns and stomp on its balls. This should give you the power to turn things around, if not, you have pissed off a bull.

Sagittarius November, 22 - December, 21
Now that you have marked your territory at you r favorite forest preserve, don't you think it's a little obvious to have citronella candles and a mosquito net just off the trail? Think about it tramp.

Capricorn December, 22 - January, 19
You can't piss into a fan and tell me it's raining so don't try it with other folks. Not everyone is as stupid as they look, Well, Paula, for instance is, but its fun pulling the wool over her eyes, she thinks she's a sheep anyway.

Aquarius January, 20 - February, 18
OK Aquarius, I've tried to give you good advice and guide you with my unwavering wisdom. No matter how you slice it you are still a slut.

Pisces February, 19 - March, 20
Experts say that 46% of Pisceans would rather walk on their bottom lip than talk bad about someone else. But my research says 92% of statistics are bullshit!

Until next time, if someone doesn't have a smile, give them yours!Ms. Mae