Aries March, 21-April, 19
Now is the time to do something wild, crazy, out of the ordinary or just plain silly. Wow, there's a change, the only spontaneous thing you've done is wet your pants laughing at your own jokes!

Taurus April, 20 - May, 21
When you wake up this morning, you may feel especially refreshed. What a surprise when you stomped on your douche bag and ended up brainwashed.

Gemini May, 21 - June, 21
You've been sensitive and empathetic to your friends, but perhaps you need to be more straightforward. Call them as you see them, but remember that finger could be stuck in your ass.

Cancer June, 22 - July, 22
It looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck. Are you going to let them piss on your leg and tell you it's raining? Wise up or you're going to get goosed.

Leo July, 23 - August, 22
How much have you changed in recent years? Here's a hint, if you fart dust and floss with a garden weasel you are a candidate for "Our Lady of Old Dames" long term care facility.

Virgo August, 23 - September, 22
The cosmic poker deck seems stacked against you, and right now it seems that just about everyone is in on the conspiracy. Face it Virgo, you're too paranoid, if you put a Band-Aids over the peep hole, unscrew all the light bulbs and look for cops under the couch

Libra September, 23 - October, 22
You can daydream all you want about roses, exotic getaways and romantic poems. But your idea of foreplay is a quick slap on the ass and sharing the same booth.

Scorpio October, 23 - November, 21
Don't try to force a quick solution to an old problem. It always takes a good week for the penicillin to work. You'll see that unsightly discharge and burning sensation will be gone before you know it.

Sagittarius November, 22 - December, 21
Do you get the feeling that a showdown is inevitable? The "This town ain't big enough for two of us" theory only applies to sheriff's not hookers, so put your gun away and find another corner.

Capricorn December, 22 - January, 19
Although you may like to pretend now and again, the truth is that you aren't nearly as weak as you have convinced yourself that you are. You poor thing, BUTCH UP if you want sympathy you can find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

Aquarius January, 20 - February, 18
Things aren't nearly as bleak as you have convinced yourself that they are. When you feel this way simply go to the corner of Clark and Belmont and look around. This will make you feel better than Fresca on a panty shield.

Pisces February, 19 - March, 20
If you detect that there is a big, fat lie behind the smile, then you need to make your feelings known. It's your own fault if they cum in your mouth and the check never arrives.

Until next time, Daddy spanks us because he loves us!Ms. Mae