Aries March 21-April 19 Patience becomes more than a virtue for you -- it's a necessity. But, my delicate Aries; you want patience and you want it right fucking NOW! It's not the head that hurts it's the first shoulder.

Taurus April 20 - May 21 The lines between reality and fiction are fading fast, but no one finds you complaining! You're used to this garden of mess. You'll probably wake up some morning carrying your butt in a bucket. Some girls have all the fun.

Gemini May 21 - June 21 You struggle to get ahead. You'll never get there with your pants around your ankles unless you're at the Ram, or of course the baths.

Cancer June 22 - July 22 You are filled with a positive and intense source of energy. This may be a result of that 7-up enema you are holding in. It's crisp and clean and no caffeine!.

Leo July 23 - August 22 Some things are better left unsaid and undone. If you find yourself standing over a full length mirror, spanking your monkey and spitting curse words at porno's on the television set. Don't tell anyone.

Virgo August 23 - September 22 Money is the deciding force in most cases where common sense is involved. You know immediately if they want to spend $20 for a blow- job or $100 for the gerbil -job. (Gerbils not included.)

Libra September 23 - October 22 It's time to wake up and smell the roses, Libra. It's not quite as glamorous as waking up and smelling Juan Valdez, who also likes his men tied up, thrown over his shoulder in a burlap bag and hand delivered to your door.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21 It's in your best interest to keep an open mind, Scorpio. You narrow your options when you position yourself on your back, legs in the air and a bottle of poppers screwed into your nostrils. Put that in your Tupperware and burp it!

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 At home, you go to great lengths to make your point, even at the risk of causing others discomfort. In other words Sagittarius, don't be an ass-hole! You don't have to kiss my ass to make me cum (but it helps.)

Capricorn December 22 - January 19 Right now, much more is accomplished through talk and compromise. Later tonight, it's okay to get out of control in a safe environment. Just remember that sheep don't like ball gags and if you touch them in the wrong spot they'll charge.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18 Change is easier to cope with if you're facing forward. So take off that blindfold 'cause there's no light in the back room of the Eagle anyway.

Pisces February 19 - March 20 You're open for all kinds of romantic surprises. Flogging, tit clamps, latex, butt-plugs, poppers, restraints, catheters, cock-rings, and sheep with ball-gags. Amour, amour, amour.

Until next time, you are what you eat. Bon Appetite! Ms. Mae