Aries March 21-April, 19 With the month of May coming as quickly as a pre-teen in a titty bar, this could only mean one thing, Mother's day! Yes it's time to suckle on the hind teet of sibling rivalry. Mom always liked them best. Taurus April 20 - May 21 With all the partying going on during this, your birth phase; take a few steps off to the side. Soon you will realize that one foot in front of the other one dozen times puts you into a 12 step phase. Gemini May 21 - June 21 It's time to take matters into your own hands. That doesn't change things much because you usually have your business in your hands most of the time anyway. Keep tugging away at it and watch out for the end results. Cancer June 22 - July 22 You may have misconstrued my advice from last issue. If you keep sticking it into every flower you see, you may end up with Bee-D. Leo July 23 - August 22 Keep pushing on! It won't be as bad as child birth but again there's no real pain like shoving a golf ball through a garden hose. Virgo August 23 - September 22 Now that you have a new summer wardrobe, you need to catch up on a few lost gym appointments before you lay out in the sun. Like I always say, "Tan fat is pretty fat." Libra September 23 - October 22 Now is not the time for you to worry about every little thing. Take time for yourself. You can't sit in a corner and eat wet cigarette butts all your life! Scorpio October 23 - November 21 The only thing more important then food clothing and shelter, is sex. Well, that's your opinion. Opinions are like ass holes, everybody has one and they usually stink! Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 You should be well on your way to your physical best. Lip ups and jaw lifts will keep them coming back for more. But always remember to spit, you're not coming back to Capistrano. Capricorn December 22 - January 19 I still can't remember my point, but I do know that no matter how low you sink, Paula will always be beneath you to ease the pain. When I'm down, I just think of Paula, and my life doesn't suck anymore. Aquarius January 20 - February 18 Just think if you were Paula Sinclare, you couldn't get laid in prison with a fist full of pardons. Thank God you're a slut. Pisces February 19 - March 20 You have been planning your social events calendar, too bad it's still practically empty. Don't try so hard and let the events come to you, just like all your tricks. Oh they come on you. My bad. Until next time, God couldn't be everywhere, so he invented mothers...Ms. Mae