Aries March 21-April 19 Well, it seems all you want is more presents. During your birth phase the heavens will open up and you will receive an abundance of gifts. But remember Aries, Greed has an ugly head, if there is such a thing.

Taurus April 20 - May 21 As your birth phase draws closer and spring turns softly to summer, you feel an electrical charge in the air. It may have to do with the jumper cables clamped to your nipples. If you need more volts, piss into an electrical outlet.

Gemini May 21 - June 21 You're sniffing around like a dog in heat. Keep sniffing, there's gold in them there hills! Wouldn't it be great if people sniffed each other like dogs do? It would certainly make my life a lot happier, how 'bout you?

Cancer June 22 - July 22 The torture of waiting is worse than bamboo shoots under your fingernails. Spring is just around the corner. Until then, make your reservations, there's a tree in the forest preserves with your name on it.

Leo July 23 - August 22 There is some travel in your future. But there are options. Keep your nose clean, or your travel arrangements will be at the 26th precinct..

Virgo August 23 - September 22 With the exception of a little pain, your new spring wardrobe looks great. You may need to take off a couple of pounds so people can actually see the string of butt floss you call a thong.

Libra September 23 - October 22 Last time I spoke of the never ending search for that special someone. Don't be discouraged, Paula Sinclare has been searching for decades, and everyone is prettier than her. Keep Looking!!

Scorpio October 23 - November 21 In a perfect world you could admit that the smell came from you. However, this gas problem that seems to plague you has your name written all over it. Thank God we can open a window now.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 As the competition gets stiffer, so does your sex drive! Too bad you no longer have the stamina to cut the mustard. If you want my advice, I can sum it up in one word, Viagra.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19 Still trying to make friends? Just do what Paula Sinclare does, but use a breath mint.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18 In an ever changing universe, you are still a Slut!

Pisces February 19 - March 20 Bitches and homo's and dykes. Oh my! Pisces, you are leading the way! Use your evil for good and the rewards will be better than you thought.

Until next time, never give money to beggars
that wear better shoes than you!Ms. Mae