Well my dear kittens, March has come in like a sweet shy lamb and then turned into a winged beast and now it is slowly turning toward a hopeful spring. Your mission is to spring into action and keep writing those letters and sending those e-mails to Dear.Daisy@sbcglobal.net or by USPS to BOI Magazine c/o Dear Daisy 3711 N. Ashland 2nd Floor Chicago, IL 60613. As always, there is no question that Daisy Mae Laboratories won't touch as you can see by this issues letters. Let's read them now.

Dear Daisy,
Do fingernails grow faster when you take long baths? When I fall asleep and soak in the hot bath tub water for two hours, the skin on my hands prune up and the nails get longer. Is this just a feeble minded attempt at discovering some new phenomena? Do I have too much time on my hands thinking about it this much in the first place? Should I invest in a fingernail growth bath house for women tired of buying fake nails?
Thanks,
Opusinacan

Dear Opusinacan,
Years ago a friend and I concluded that if we could get our hands on a pail of Oprah Winfry's poop and packaged it in little baggies, people would literally want to buy the shit. Although maybe now some form of Survivor poop might be a bit more marketable, but people would buy, oh yes, they would buy. And it's for that same reason you should open a fingernail growth bath house. People allow themselves to be fooled by much less sophisticated scams such as television ministries and psychic hotlines. Pay no mind the fact that your observation is nothing more than a simple illusion, much like that reflection of the Virgin Mary which appeared in the eastern Washington highway road sign several years back. People will never accept the fact that it's their skin that's shrinking-- and shriveling-- rather than their nails lengthening. They want to believe it works because if it didn't work they'd be an idiot and there's no way they could be an idiot, right? Right?

 

Dear Daisy
I have heard that applying estrogen cream to a band aid and placing them over your nipples helps in quicker nipple development/projection. Is this true? If it is, what creams would you recommend? Also, how long does it take to become sterile?
Signed,
Looking for Lumps

Dear Lumpy
Estrogen, or progesterone, creams do nothing internally since the amount absorbed through the skin is so small. When I tried some all I noticed was a softening of the skin with some temporary breast plumpness, though that could've been from the wet look of the cream. Save your money for pills. As for sterility, I'd guess anywhere from 6 months to a year. I would also recommend going to your local bait shop and picking up a snake bite kit. Just follow the directions and place them over the nipples instead of getting bit by a snake, or put up with the discomfort of some great tit clamps!

 

Dear Daisy
Is oral sex between two men considered unsafe if a condom is used? What are the HIV transmission statistics for this sort of activity if the people engaged in it are total strangers? Also, does french kissing place one at risk of infection?
Signed, Repressed, depressed & scared to act

Dear Repressed, depressed & scared to act,
In this age of HIV transmission, it is right to be cautious, but Alice is not an advocate of repression. Many forms of sexual activity constitute a very low risk for HIV transmission, and other forms can be made lower risk with condom usage. As for oral sex between two men, yes, it is considered SAFE IF the man upon whom the oral sex is being performed is wearing a condom. There have been no known HIV transmissions through protected male-to-male oral sex. And no, french kissing does not place one at risk of infection, since HIV is not present in a high enough concentration in saliva for transmission. If the infected person has an open sore in their mouth, it is still highly unlikely that HIV will be transmitted because saliva has an inhibitory factor in it that is believed to inactivate the virus.