Aries March 21-April 19 Aries, start your engines! The season is almost upon us. Be sure that you are fit and ready for the circuit. Most importantly, make sure the circuit is ready for you.

Taurus April 20 - May 21 Dance, dance, dance. This is your motto and your reason for living. Going to parties is your life. If you had a period you would probably call it the red party and charge a cover at the door.

Gemini May 21 - June 21 As the ice thaws, so does your heart. Is it possible that you are ready to fall in love? It may be a gas ball, just try to fart. If the feeling passes, it's not love. If you shit your pants, oops, I did it again!

Cancer June 22 - July 22 Winter is slowly coming to an end. Mr. Groundhog saw his shadow and so did you. You aren't thrilled about having six more weeks of cold weather, so bundle up and walk real fast. If you smell hair burning slow down.

Leo July 23 - August 22 Now that you have everyone's attention, what is it that you want to say? We are all waiting for your words of wisdom or is it yet another case of diarrhea? We'll be the judge.

Virgo August 23 - September 22 In ancient Egypt, queens were worshipped but in 2004 they are all over the place. It takes no effort to be ordinary. Let's see if you can give a little bit more so you can be extraordinary.

Libra September 23 - October 22 You keep searching for that right person to spend time with. Soon Lincoln Park Zoo will be open and you can go to Paula's Petting Zoo, but be careful not to pet Paula, she may bite.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21 Are you moody, self centered and lonely? If you answered yes to any of these questions you may be a bitch. To make sure just ask your friends. If they say no you can be sure that they are lying.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 If you have a chance to make a new friend this week, do it. Share some time with your new friend, maybe go to the park or just fuck them and move on.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19 Your modesty has become tiresome. You cannot fool your friends anymore. Try something different and just be you. If they still don't like you, fuck them.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18 I have been a bit hard on you in the past Aquarius, but it is for your own good. People talk about you, and that's OK. It's when they stop talking about you, you need to worry.

Pisces February 19 - March 20 Life is not as horrible as you may think. Just find someone that is your ideal physical dream date and ignore all their personality flaws and you have an instant lover!

Until next time, be nice to someone ugly...Ms. Mae