Imagine it: you've produced a gadget that you want to sell to the religious market, but can't work out how to persuade people to buy it. What should you do? The answer is simple. You grab a Bible text that alludes (even remotely) to the gadget, lift it out of context, and make it a pretext to dump the junk. It happens all the time in the crazy world of religious trinketing. Soget your bible out, give it a good thump and lets take a look at what's out there

Jesus Ashtray

As everyone knows, Jesus hates smokers. So isn't it time you got the message? Maybe you've tried everything. Hypnosis, nicotine patches, ultra-ultra lights, coughing in tongues. Well, how about the ultimate aversion therapy? Just gaze into the bearded face and tear-rimmed eyes of the one who has been successfully inducing guilt for centuries. And pray the Penitent Smoker's Prayer: "Jesus, gimme a light, willya?"
Cough up for the Jesus Ashtray: only $12.

Personal alarms and crucifixes are not newsworthy. Each does its own distinct job. But an alarm hidden inside a crucifix? Right up there with the gadget of the year gottabe a Godsend for the panicking priest. Two out of three ministers in the UK would consider wearing it, according to a recent survey on clergy and violence. The crime-busting crucifix is available only from Avon Silversmiths of Birmingham, England. Avon's Tony McCarthy created the device after hearing of a nun being mugged in Bromsgrove. 'I only wish I'd thought of it earlier,' he told Digital Watch. Length: 3.5". Screeching distance: 150 meters.

Curse Free TV

One of the most ingenious gadgets yet devised, Curse-Free TV screens out blasphemies and profanities from virtually all TV and video movies. The device "easily connects between your television set and VCR, continually monitoring the closed-captioning embedded in the video signal of broadcast shows and video movies." Curse-Free TV checks each word against an internal directory of over 100 offensive expressions, replacing key words with "profanity-free" alternatives. Take the movie Kindergarten Cop. Before the Curse-Free software gets to work, it contains 32 naughties... afterwards, only two. The device also boasts a religious setting, allowing the names of *** (a cloud-hogging, bearded fellow) to come through during *****(significant first century Jew) programs, as long as the names are used in a "non-exclamatory way". Curse Free TV: ******* cheap at $199.00.

Crucifix Phone

Is your mobile phone a testimony to the wondrousness of His grace? Well it should be. Let the world (or at least your train compartment) see Jesus, in all his flashing, multicolored glory, with the Crucifix Phone Cover.
In laser-cut silver, the LED passion of Our Lord flashes blue, green, orange, purple and white. Now you can ensure that your

Doorknocker

OK, it looks like something a Mafioso might wear or your doctor might prescribe, but be not afraid! Allow the Doorknocker Company to introduce this Mormon gadget: "Knocking doors all day makes for sore knuckles. Many missionaries will tell you they carried a stone, golf ball or coin to knock doors. But the Missionary DoorKnocker helps to stop the long months of knuckle pounding." For as little as $6, you can own your very own DoorKnocker, and apparently you can even make it a family tradition and pass it on to your kids when they too become Mormon missionaries. DoorKnockers come in Brass or Silver Aluminum along with a velvet carrying pouch.

Digital Hymn Player

Get rid of troublesome organist problems and prepare your church for the 21st century with the Digital Hymn Player. Undoubtedly the technological innovation of the new century, this ecclesiastical karaoke player is briefcase-friendly and keyboard-free. At the touch of a remote control button, Digital Hymn Player instantly launches into any one of 3000 hymns stored inside on a miracle microchip. Special features include an optional 'Amen' button to bring each rendition to a fitting close.